The Gobbler’s Tofurkey Explosion

Got another absurdist horror/comedy thing for ya this holiday season!

[CW: mention of cannibalism, very questionable food ethics, horrifying turkey-men]

We here at ExposeCo News have uncovered a truly horrific secret that the turkey-man hybrid “Turkeymensch” known only as “The Gobbler” has been hiding in his popular restaurant chain, The Gobbler’s Tofurkey Explosion. Truly, we are appalled and horrified that this dire secret has gone under the noses and beaks of not just the general populace, but the regulators at the Food and Drug Association themselves. If you’ve been eager to “Get Gobbled” at The Gobbler’s Tofurkey Explosion with their all new Big Gobble Sandwich, we have news for you.

Our hard-working insider agents, who have gotten jobs working at The Gobbler’s Tofu Vat Facility and Extraction Plant, risked not just their lives, but their very humanity, to get information on this nefarious new Big Gobble Sandwich. Initially, we thought there was something suspicious about the disturbingly-meaty consistency of their “Cranberry Cranium Cooler” offered for a limited time for the Gobbletastic price of $6.50 this holiday season, but this sandwich… oh, it’s not just tofurkey this time.

You see, there is something funny going on here, and it’s not just the smell that surrounds every location of The Gobbler’s Tofurkey Explosion. That’s right. The Big Gobble Sandwich is not made with vegan tofurkey as advertised. It is made from lab-grown tofu sapiens. Tofu sapiens, the next evolution of humanity, is Tofu People. The Big Gobble Sandwich is Tofu People. The Gobbler is catering to vegan cannibalism by feeding tofu people to the general populace.

If you’ve ever wanted to dabble in vegan cannibalism, the Big Gobble Sandwich is the next big brain move, and big brain meal, after the Cranberry Cranium Cooler. This has been an advertisement expose with ExposeCo News. Thank you for watching and we hope you have a wonderful Turducken Thursday.

Up next: ExposeCo News answers the pressing and upsetting question, “Is the McDongald’s McRigb made from the ribs of processed Grimgace clones?”

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