So, I wrote this rather twisted and ridiculous faux opinion article on a supernatural chicken deity and, well, y’all will just have to read this absurd thing for yourselves.
[CW: Mentions of animal torment, fictional conspiracy stuff]
The popular fast-food conglomerate, RJ Chickenhauer’s Hot Blastin’ Chicken, run by CEO and sentient, self-proclaimed “uber-chicken”, RJ Chickenhauer III, holds a very ugly secret. The company has been keeping secret the fact that they no longer serve what the average consumer considers to be “chicken” and has not for some time.
Deep underneath the ash-hills of western Nebraska, is hidden an ancient being referred to as the “Ur-Chicken”. This chicken, which is considered an immortal “demigod”, is thought to weigh 27,000lbs, and is said to regenerate its flesh at an alarming rate. We have no idea just how old this chicken is, but given its location hidden in an ash mine deep below the surface, it is thought to have been alive since before the end of the dinosaurs.
This “Ur-Chicken” is also thought to have been what came before the chickens, and yes, the egg. If this is in fact the reality, that classic philosophical brain puzzle as to “what came first”, will in fact have two answers: the “Ur-Chicken” came first, and second came the egg. This means the chicken came last. Just as it does at RJ Chickenhauer’s popular restaurant.
RJ Chickenhauer’s Hot Blastin’ Chicken does not use chicken meat. RJ Chickenhauer’s Hot Blastin’ Chicken uses meat harvested from the living, tormented, and presumed immortal “Ur-Chicken”. This poor beast deserves to be rescued and RJ Chickenhauer III needs to be investigated and possibly even imprisoned before it is too late.
We have also come across a prophecy that recently surfaced amongst the Illumichickenati, which states that the “Ur-Chicken” is set return to the surface and wreak its vengeance upon all who have feasted upon its flesh, on the upcoming International Fried Chicken Day in 2023. There is a hope that freeing the “Ur-Chicken” and allowing it to return to its home in the Chicken Finger Nebula, will grant us grace and forgiveness to avoid its wrath. We hope it will allow us to enjoy feasting upon normal chickens that have been breaded and fried beyond recognition, just as Chicken Jesus intended.
We only hope that some wise and benevolent soul will rescue this “Ur-Chicken” before this time comes. There is a rumor that a movement in the dark meat web is preparing to do so, but we hope they will not be too late.
With Dark Meat and Wings,